Vulnerability & Chronic Conditions

For ten years of my life (I will be 26 soon), I have been in a way hiding my feelings and emotions surrounding my chronic pain. I have felt very alone in dealing with a lot of it. I have the support that I am very appreciative of. It just is not fully understood. Recently my therapist asked me what I need from her to help with the mental element. I honestly couldn’t answer without tears running down. I was telling her how I hate crying and being vulnerable. I think that is something I need to get away from.

So, with that being said I am going to do better. I am going to admit I cry A LOT! A significant amount. I become overwhelmed with the doctors' appointments and the cost and everything that comes with it. Mentally it is making me feel crazy. It is so many different elements that it is just too much. Others may feel the same way. For that reason, I am going to start possibly using this blog as a voice for others. No two individuals feel the same way. I know my experience will not designate with everyone. However, some people may share similar emotions and feelings.

Recently I visited the orthopedic doctor. Being that I have multiple joint issues, it is assumed that I have lupus. I have been tested maybe ten times but only one positive test. The rheumatologist disagrees with the thoughts and believes it is my fibromyalgia. My others doctors are not convinced at all. The ortho believes it is something systemic going on. I do have joint swelling, stiffness, and pain in multiple areas. Which is usually a tell-tale sign. So for me as the person dealing with it, I don’t get answers about any of it. That is beyond frustrating and irritating. On my next call, I am going to be very open with my therapist about all of it.

As I write this I am recognizing exactly what I need from her. I need to be able to honestly release and decompress from it all. My family and friends can be a little biased with how they view everything. I love them dearly but some of the things they say aren’t helpful at all. If anything it makes me question if any of this is my fault (which it is not). None of us are at fault for our endometriosis and fibromyalgia among other things.

In conclusion, I said all of that to say it is okay to be vulnerable and open. You never know who is watching, reading, or listening. I appreciate everyone who is supportive and pays attention. It means a great deal to me.

XOXO 💋