Numb…
I have reached a point in my life where disappointment and hurt do not surprise me anymore. Having to deal with pain and suffering isn’t new but normal. I no longer have a fear of things only acceptance. I know I won’t get the sunshine and rainbows. Simply partly cloudy with a chance of rain. I just have to do my best and hope it is enough. Is that enough? I don’t really know the answer to that currently. I am still actively trying medications and even started to grow a garden.
I still remember the first day I felt that excruciating pain all because of a menstrual cycle. I cannot give you an exact date but that is a pain you never forget. Especially when that pain turns out to be endometriosis that flares up with any inconvenience. Being bedridden, falling asleep in the bathroom, and being nauseated just to name a few. That still continues (When I am not on birth control). I have been taking birth control for almost twelve years on and off. There have been times and currently when the pill would stop me from menstruating altogether.
The Lupron Depot shot not only put me into chemical menopause at nineteen years old but it also opened up the door to fibromyalgia. I still cannot tell you exactly what that is because doctors don’t know. I can just tell you it too has me bedridden, nauseated, in crippling pain, and extremely fatigued. I am not able to push myself like I am used to. I cannot overstep when my body says to sit down or I am going to feel it. Me being me… I do it anyway.
Being that I will be 26 on August 4th, I cannot keep doing so. Especially with the physical parts of it. I cannot move my joints or relax them a majority of the time. Which is painful and burns as well. A lot of numbness and tingling.
Mentally I am depleted. I am depleted of the desire to keep trying new medications, working out, doing yoga, and everything else that is supposed to “help”. I have tried so many different medications over the last twelve years that I cannot keep up. The only “diet” I will say helped with the bloating was Whole30. I miss the gym, I really do. I just know that I cannot push myself to go two hours a day anymore. I am in therapy with an amazing therapist. Outside of talking to her I tend to feel very alone and misunderstood.
People keep saying “It will get better. Things take time. It will all work out.” Well, I am entering my twelfth year and it has only been added things and none was taken away. My loved ones do their best to support me and I appreciate it so much. I can just tell when they don’t truly understand. One HUGE thing about me is I hate feeling like a burden and will remain quiet on physical health things that bother me. My doctors are even hitting the end of the road and I am still here in pain but numb.
