Behind The Smile

Behind my smile is a woman that has a lot of insecurities. Someone who thought she had her whole life planned out at 18. Little did I know nothing would go as planned. I did not see myself in chronic pain every single day. I wanted to be a teacher when I was a child. Educating and helping others was my goal in life. I do that but in a completely different way than I expected.

Instead of teaching young children, I speak about my life with chronic conditions with no cure only bandaids. I do not want another 19-year-old to experience what I did. I often think about how I wish I could go back in time and not get that shot (Lupron Depot). I think if I never went into that chemical menopause things may be different. I don’t know that for sure but it is a thought.

I speak on my personal journey with my natural hair. I stopped getting relaxers in 2015 because of that shot causing me to bald in some spots. In 2016 my hair was big chopped and I have not looked back. I did not realize that people were actually paying attention. I became aware when people started to ask what I use and things like that. To be completely honest I am bored with my hair.

Behind my smile is someone who wants so much for herself and works hard behind the scenes. Sometimes a little too hard. I have been called “lazy” but what people do not see is the me that is making reels, filming, and editing YouTube videos, balled up in pain, crying in silence and etc.

I can post a picture of me smiling and a video of me laughing but in reality, it isn’t always genuine. Sometimes I am posting to feel better. I also hide my lack of sleep behind filters all the time. I also sometimes feel like I need them even though I don’t.

This blog is turning into a rant. I said all of that to say, Do not let what people post on social media be “goals” for you. People often don’t show what it took for them to get where they are. They don’t show the ugly side of healing and even bad hair days. Also, set your OWN relationship goals. Pictures hold a lot of information back and are not always reality. Focus on YOU and how YOU feel. Be honest and stand in your truth. That smile could be hiding a world of tears. XOXO 💋